if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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