Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
