I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
