I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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