you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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