I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
