if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
