Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize