Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Randomize
