1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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