just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
