I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
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