does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
My ATM looks so different sober.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
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