You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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