my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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