her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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