her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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