2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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