Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
