y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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