He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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