Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize