I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
