Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
