so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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