everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
