i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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