so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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