Can Purell be used as lube?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
