we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
