Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize
