I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize