do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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