just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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