I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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