I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
