so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
