oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
My vagina is very pro this idea
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
