I think my fart just growled at me.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
