There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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