I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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