she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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