So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
