So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Two words: blizzard sex
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
