i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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