I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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