i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
