He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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