I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
