Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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