You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I woke up under a house in Key West
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize