My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
