Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize