i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
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