Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I need to align my fucking chakras
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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