last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
