I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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