I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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