david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
