Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I need to calm my uterus...
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
