They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
