how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
