it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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