Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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