I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
