I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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